My Truth

I am the 4th of 5 children. Born to middle class parents who didn't really value education as much as they should have. Truth be known, they were just trying to pay bills and get through the day. I totally understand that, but arent' parents supposed to want more for their children than they had?  I was the first in my family to actually graduate from high school. I'm talking cap and gown, graduation ceremony and a graduation party. For me, this was a big deal. 

My sister Peggy quit school and got married at 16. No, she was not pregnant. My sister Debbie did the same at age 15 (one month away from being 16). She wasn't pregnant either. Peggy was 8 years older than me. Debbie was 4 years older. 

Looking back, I think that they married so young to get out of the house. Their experiences at home differed from mine, but mine were just as difficult, if not more. 

My brother David was 2 years older than me. He suffered a head trauma at the age of 13 and after that he was always in trouble. He stole cars, cut school, ran away from home. He was always in trouble. He eventually quit school. 

The three of them eventually got their GED. Because of the choices they made, I opted to stay in school and get the diploma. I felt like it was easier to stay in school, do the work, put in the time and get that diploma. I guess at the end of the day, a diploma is the same as a GED, but I wanted to be able to say I did it.  I decided if I'm going to learn from mistakes, I prefer it be from other people's mistakes. I was not popular in school and my grades were average. 

My sister Angela was 7 years younger than me. She also graduated from High School. Angela was very involved in school though. She was a cheerleader and in all sorts of clubs (newspaper, yearbook, student council) and made exceptional grades. She was very smart. I don't remember her ever studying. She was a go getter. If she wanted something, she set out a plan and made it happen. Angela was a confident,self assured young woman who knew what she wanted.

I admired her and wished I could be more like her. At least the part where she didn't let anyone walk all over her....including our mother.

There was a period in my life when I absolutely adored my Mom. She seemed perfect to me. We were very close. This period in my life was, well...short lived. 

By the time I was 18 years old, Debbie was divorced and married to her second husband Gary. Peggy was divorced and married to her second husband Eddie. David was divorced and living in and out of Mom and Dad's house. 

I met my first husband David and we started dating. Mom somehow inserted herself in our relationship. It was a crazy, confusing time. I couldn't see the manipulation. Mom would invite him over for dinner and David and I would end up playing scrabble with Mom. It became a routine. She would talk to him about his family and get his opinions on certain subjects. She would go over it with me and then nit pick at everything he said. She also would get me mad at him and get me riled up, then i would break up with him. Then she would feel guilty (at least I thought so at the time) and get me to take him back. One time, I was getting anonymous letters in the mailbox from someone claiming David was gay. One letter even stated that they saw me walking on this one street where Debbie lived. It was very mysterious and confusing.  Mom was always the one finding them in the mailbox. it was very strange. We dated for 2 years. Mom came to me and told me that if he didn't ask me to marry him, I had to end things. I took that very seriously. The person I was back then was naive and a doormat. Go ahead and talk to me any way you please. Do what you want to me. I wasn't going to do a thing. So, I spoke with David about getting married. He was all for it. I think we both thought it would be just the two of us, since we would have our own place. I couldn't have been more wrong. Our problems were just beginning.  Mom planned the wedding. I got to pick my dress. The rest was all her. I didn't even get to pick my maid of honor. My maid of honor was a cousin I was not even remotely close to. 

We got married when I was 20. I don't know why I thought things would be different. She did the same things during our marriage that she did during our courtship (if you could even call it that). Once she called and I was so frustrated with her. I told David to tell her I was in the shower. Next thing I know, there is a hard knock on the door. I rushed to get in the shower. I'm naked as a jay bird and she pulls that curtain open and says "We need to talk!". I can't even remember the conversation. She never ever left us alone. If she saw any spark of happiness on my face, she made it her mission to end it. 

We split up 5 times before I decided enough was enough. All we did was fight because my Mom wouldn't let us be.I didn't know how to tell her to stop. I was afraid of her. She was so intimidating and manipulative.  By the end of our marriage, I hated her. I despised her. I wanted my marriage to work but with her constant interference, it just wasn't to be. Now, like my siblings, I was going to be divorced too.

When I moved back home (which was the last thing I wanted to do), I was working at Wendy's. She told me that if I moved back home, I had to give her my check. I said OK. I really didn't have a choice. I didn't make enough to live on my own.  I didn't really think anything of it at the time, but I think that was her plan all along. Split us up so I would come home so more money would come in? That doesn't make sense though, because she pushed me into marrying him. Very strange situation. 

A few days after I moved home, I was laying on the fold out couch thinking about my life. I needed to think. Mom came in the room and said "I see how this is gonna be". I had to get up and go sit with her. When I was home, she would have me make her coffee, send me out for errands. She rarely did anything for herself. Why should she? She had her doormat daughter to do it for her. She would say things to belittle me, make me feel small. As if she knew she what she was doing was wrong, she told me that if I told my sisters, they wouldn't believe me and come running to her. I believed her. At the time, I wasn't that close to them because she isolated me from them. That's what abusers do. They isolate their victim from the rest so they can gain their trust and make them feel like their abuser is their whole world. I wanted so bad to escape it, I just didn't know how. I was all alone.

At this time, Angela was in high school. She was a cheerleader and very involved in school. Mom doted on her and gave her everything she wanted and more.  She bought her expensive jewelry, clothes and treated her like royalty . I was just a doormat that she walked all over every chance she could. I was not jealous of Angela. I knew it wasn't her. This was Mom. Classic Mom. 

Four months after my marriage ended, I was at work (Wendy's, again, for nothing). I saw a young male college student come in with a heavy set woman. They ordered their food and took the food to a table. I was working the dining room. From time to time, I glanced at him and he smiled at me. I didn't think anything of it.  He and the woman left and a half hour later, he returned, alone. I was cleaning the salad bar. I assumed he left something behind or had a complaint. I asked him how I could help him. He said "You can give me your number".  Keep in mind, I was still married. Getting a divorce (eventually), but still very much married. I thought about it and decided to give him my number. It was over between me and David (thanks to my Mom). Besides, I didn't think he would call me.

Two days later, I was sitting on the porch with Mom and one of my sisters (Debbie? Maybe). The phone rang. It was him. His name was Jim. We talked for a week before he asked me out. Before I agreed to go out with him, I told him I was married and in the process of getting divorced. 

We went to the fair and ate at a mexican restarant. We had a nice time. We dated for 6 months when he told me he would marry me someday.  I was stunned. What had I gotten myself into? He got out of the car to buy something at the restaurant we just left. I had time to gather my thoughts. The first thought that came to mind was "My mom would ruin it". Then and there everything made sense. The anonymous letters were from my mother.  She set out from the beginning to ruin my marriage so I would come running back home with my paycheck. Another revelation hit me. My mom was obsessed with David. She was attracted to him. A fog had lifted and I could see things very clearly. I decided right then that I wouldn't let Mom get to know Jim. When he picked me up, I wouldn't let him in the house, I met him at the door and we would go out on our dates. If I wanted my marriage to Jim to work, I had to change, because I knew my Mom wasn't going to.

Jim was in college and he inspired me to go back to college. I talked to Mom and to my surprise, she was for it. It wasn't quite college though. It was technical school. I went to learn how to work in the office setting (computer class, accounting, etc). I did pretty well.  At the time it wasn't even 20.00 a month. So she was ok with that. Looking back, I now realize I paid for my education since I was giving her all of my money.

After I left technical college, I started working for Manpower. It was nice not working in a fast food restauring smelling like salad dressing all the time. I gained a lot of experience and made more money. More money for my mom that is. I worked at a lot of different places and met a lot of people my age. i talked to them and realized that I wanted some of what they had. They had their own car, their own money. Their parents did not manpiplate them. They had their own thoughts and opinions. At this time, I came to resent not getting any money. I needed this to stop, but wasn't sure how.  Manpower mailed paychecks to us and we received them on Thursdays. Mom would take them, sign my name and deposit them in the bank.  A few times,  the check didn't arrive on time.My mom called me on my job and very angrily asked "where is my money?" I was so embarrassed because based on the conversation, my coworkers could understand exactly what was going on. I had to call Manpower and talk to them about it. 

Mom worked at Jewish Hospital. I would drive her to work and pick her up. One day when I had her car, I drove to Debbie's. I decided to talk to her about what was going on. I prayed she wouldn't run to Mom and tell her everything. She sat down and we talked. I told her how I felt and begged her not to tell Mom. She promised she wouldn't.  I remembered Mom telling me that my sisters would run and tell her everything. I remember hoping and praying that wouldn't happen.  We visited frequently and became very close. She helped me make sense of Mom and helped me not to get manipulated. One time Mom talked me into applying for a JC Penney credit card. I told Debbie about it. She told me "she will take that card and spend every bit of it on Angela. I will watch for that card in the mail and get it for you. Don't tell her you got it". I did just as she said. Months later Mom asked me if I ever got the card. I said No. She said "We could have really used that card." I told Debbie what she said. She said "See?"

What really hurt about this whole mess is this. A mother is supposed to be the one person who protects their child, has their back. Mine just constantly stabbed me in the back. Out of all the people in my life, my Mom was the one that hurt me the most. If I showed any sign of happiness, she was right there to try to destroy it. 

I talked to Jim about my Mom and what was going on. I told him everything. I told him that I do everything. He told me to make myself unavailable. So we started spending more time together. I would go to work, come home and he would pick me up. I was only home at bedtime. It was pure bliss. 

At this point, I was making pretty good money. Debbie talked Mom into letting me have 50.00 of my money. She couldn't just leave it at that. She told me that the 50.00 was to be used for food and personal items.  One time I used Angie's hairspray (it had a grape smell). She got angry with me. Ridiculous. 

This one time I was in the bathroom trying to gather my thoughts. I was upset about Mom and her constant manipulation and cruelty. She started knocking on the door demanding I come out. I took a deep breath and came out. I smiled and said "it's all yours.". She started in on me, insulting me like she had in the past. She tried to make me feel small. My mind went to a beach. I didn't hear a word she said. When I came back to reality, she just stared at me. I'll never forget what she said. "A year ago, that would have made you cry". I looked her right in her face and said "I'm not the same person I was a year ago". I left her standing there.  

One day, I was at home, in the bathroom (my favorite room in her house),  I heard a commotion. I opened the door and stood on the threshold. I watched Angela and Mom pulling and tugging on each other. Angela said "I do everything for you. You don't do anything for yourself". Where is the popcorn?  She was saying everything I wanted to say but didn't have the nerve. In my mind I said "Get her Angie!" Angie didn't know it, but her speaking up caused my future to start looking a little brighter. 

Mom always had me drive her to work and I would take the car and pick her up when her shift was over.

The next morning after the big fight with Angela, Mom and I were on our way to her work. She told me "I know you think what Angie did was awful, but at least I know where she stands. I don't know where you stand". I thought "Are you kidding me. That was awesome!".  I wished I had the backbone that she had. I didn't realize it that day, but I was about to grow one.

By this time, Jim and I had been dating over 2 years. We were engaged. Mom barely knew him. 

I thought about Mom's comment. She was right. She didn't know where I stood. She was about to find out.

I picked her up. I scooted over in the passenger seat so she could get in the driver's seat. As she drove home, I told her:

Me: Mom, you told me this morning you didn't know where I stood. Well, this is where I stand. Jim and I are getting married in 6 months. I can't plan a wedding on $50.00 a week. I'm taking my check back and I will pay you 25.00 a week. 

Mom: Well Karen, you have to consider the utilities you use. 

Me: Mom, I'm never home. I only sleep at the house. You're getting 25.00 a week.

She was not happy with the new and improved me. That's ok. I was happy.

I call that day the day I finally got in charge of my life. Independence Day.

I knew she would still take my check when it came in the mail......so, I asked Jim if I could change it to his address. He said yes.

I told Mom the check wasn't coming in the mail anymore. I would have to pick it up. She of course, didn't believe me and she called Manpower to see if I was telling the truth. They told her they are mailed out. She confronted me about it. I didn't have a problem sticking to my lie because at the end of the day, that money was MINE!

I went to the bank and got my own account. it was so nice to go to the bank and deposit MY MONEY!

That account was short lived because 6 months later, Jim and I got married. We moved into a cute 2 bedroom apartment.  

Three years later:

I was pregnant with our daughter Melissa when I went to Mom's. She was upset with me because I hadn't visited her in 3 weeks (OMG is that a sin?). I was 7 months pregnant, hormonal and in no mood for her bullshit. 

She had the nerve to say "After everything I've done for you".  She likes to use that comment when she is very disappointed in her kids. I've heard it my whole life.

I must have given her a look because she looked a little scared. 

Me:  "After everything you've done for me? How about everything I've done for you and you didn't even appreciate it."

Mom: She scoffed. "What did you ever do for me?"

Me: My check?"

Mom: It was only 50.00

(that was in the beginning. I was making way more than that in the end)

Me: "Well, you sure had to have it."

More was said that I don't recall, but I was not disrespectful, nor did I curse at her. 

I was leaving when she said "You walk out that door, I'll never speak to you again". 

I said "It was nice knowing you" and I walked out the door. We didn't speak for a week. 

Fast forward 2 years later.

She tries to throw that argument in my face. I told her "We can talk about it if you want, but I promise you, it would be a mistake". She dropped it.

Fast forward 31 years:

My mom is 90 years old. She has somehow managed to rewrite history between us. I think old people change the narrative when they don't look good in it. 

A couple weeks ago, Mom brought up me "smarting off to her" about my paycheck. She said "You didn't even want it". She said that to me (and my daughter) before, but this time, I wasn't going to take it. She told me this crap years ago and i was absolutely shocked that she would say I didn't even want it. 

Me: Mom, I love you with everything in me, but that is not true".

Mom looks at me with shock.

She started talking about how she spent so much money on me. I told her "This isn't about what you did for me. This is about you saying I didn't want my check. Plus you make me sound like the biggest idiot in the world. 

I reminded her of that conversation all those years ago. "If you want to come home, you have to give me your check". 

She started defending herself. She was talking about how they didn't have the money. This defense strategy told me that she knew the truth, she just didn't like the truth. 

I was so proud of myself for standing up for myself. I felt like Angie was there in spirit and rooting me on (she died 3 months after I got married at the age of 19).

I am so thankful to Angie and Debbie for getting me through that. Angie had no idea that her actions that day would help set me free. 

After I stood up for myself, I felt free. Mom seemed a little distant toward me for a couple of days. Sorry Mom. The truth hurts. 

All my life, I felt invisible. Now that Debbie, David and Angie are gone, she sees me. 

Sad that it took them to die for her to acknowledge my existence. I'm not naive. I know why she acknowledges me. She quit driving and needs a chauffer. I guess my mom loves me in her own way, but I know she loves herself more. She is a narcissist. 

My mom was not a "bad mom" when it come to my physical needs. I was fed, clothed and had a roof over my head. My emotional needs? Not so much.....

I was also a depressed anorexic teen who went from 120 lbs to 95 lbs. My mom found out I lost weight and immediately started fixing me food. My dad told me I had to take it slow. One time my mom told me she couldn't take me to the doctor because she was afraid they would accuse her of abuse. 

Anorexia was not heard of back then. It wouldn't be for another 10 years. 

Years later, I told Mom I was anorexic. She told me I wasn't because "you have to be hospitalized for that". 

Looking back, I realize that my mother, a narcissist, saw her children as tools or a resource to use at her leisure. What she said when my sister Debbie was laying on her death bed proves it. 

Mom and I were in the hospital room watching Debbie sleep. All hope for recovery was gone. We knew she was going to die. When Mom realized it was right then and there in that room. Her expression changed and she said "I'm not going to have fun anymore".  Just a few weeks before, Debbie made me promise I would take care of Mom and all Mom was concerned about was her good times were coming to an end. 

Crossroads part 2

I hate suprises. Especially when the surprise isn't a good one. There has been a lot of speculation at my place of employment about the fate of the company. The company cut their staff in half and we haven't had a raise in two years. The President or the Director of Operations hasn't said anything but the way everyone is acting, we all know that "something" is getting ready to go down. I hate looking for work. It sucks and it sucks big time. I don't have that much self confidence and when I come to the realization that my job is in jeopardy that self confidence is put to the test. OK---I admit it. I'm a bit lazy when it comes to looking for work. I'm not lazy at work, just looking for it. haha. I feel a bit uneasy looking for work in the field I've been working in because I don't feel I'm up to date on the technology that this field of work partakes in. My current place of employment doesn't exactly have the latest technology. Heck, this place has been in the red for the past two years. We don't even have paper towels in the kitchen let alone the latest and greatest computer software. I want to leave this place on a high note but I would also like to tell these people a thing or two. Not anything mean, but something along the lines of "so...is now a good time to panic?" That's what they would say to us when they would hold a meeting to let us know they laid someone off or that they lost a client. "Don't panic" is what the President told me when the last client left. I thought for sure that within a week or two the ax would fall straight on my head. Now it seems it will be falling on the whole office.

Well, I'm going to bed now and I so can't wait to go to work tomorrow. I'll be easy to find. I work at the place that sits right in "falling axe zone".

UPDATE: This blog was written on February 16,2011. In May 2011, I left and went to another job and I am still there. It has been 13 years. 

Life has a funny way of working out sometimes. :)

I hate deadlines

My daughter is in her senior year of high school. She is driving us crazy over college, scholarships and jobs and how college is going to get paid for. I'm not too worried about all this because it's been my experience that things always work out. It may not work out exactly as we hoped but it still does. She wants us to fill out a FASFA form which is supposed to give her money for college. Of course this is based on how much her parents make. I don't see the point in filling this out as I already know we make too much. Her dad and I are not rich by any stretch of the imagination but I'm sure we don't fit the standards of this FASFA thing. Melissa said she was told that we should fill it out anyway because she would probably get something, so we will. This FASFA needs to know how much we made in 2009 which means we need our W2 forms. Guess what? As usual, Jim can't find his. He found mine, but he can't find his. This is driving Melissa crazy. She wants this done NOW.

I hate deadlines and I really hate the pressure that comes with it. I have the same issue on my job. Certain things have to be done by a certain time and the people above me don't let me forget it. That is about to end as the client that is the cause of this deadline is leaving. I was hurt and angry at first but now I'm glad they're gone because at least the pressure is gone. I was worried at first because I just knew they would lay me off. So far so good. In my last blog I mentioned how they laid someone off that I felt they didn't need to as there was plenty of work to do. Well, now they will be giving me some of that work. I consider this a compliment as they could have done that for her but chose to let her go. I don't complain, I do what I'm told and I'm on time. I'm not bragging or boasting, but it's the truth. The boss pretty much told me that I survived the lay off because I was dependable and I helped them through a rough patch, which again, is true. I'm still going through the mid life crisis thing, but I'm working through it. I keep telling myself to pursue more interests outside work and that my family needs me to keep this job. I've been vlogging (video logging) a little bit and I'm blogging a little more. I also am enjoying the family time more. I have come to realize my whole life doesn't have to revolve around my job...or my love, or lack thereof for it.

Andrew hates his school. He wants to go somewhere else...anywhere else than where he is. I missed the deadline to apply for another school. Actually I wasn't too worried about it because I've been so worried about my job. Andrew's problem is that he has nothing in common with his peers. He's a very smart young man who is surrounded by students who probably can do the work but don't apply themselves. They don't want to learn and they don't listen to the teacher and they just copy off of Andrew. I need to get more information so i can contact the principal about this. I really like this principal because i had an issue with my daughter once and he helped me resolve it very quickly. I want my son to be happy but our school system isn't the best one in the world. Actually unless we move into the school district of his choice, he probably won't get in. The schools should all have the same well rounded education and i believe they do, but the students that go there have to want it. my son basically wants to be with other students who have the same desires and goals he has.

UPDATE: 

It is now 8-15-2025. Andrew did get into the school he wanted to. He got into Advanced classes and ultimately graduated as one of 12 valedictorians. 

He got a scholarship (5000.00 a semester) and he went to University of KY where he graduated. The kid stayed on the deans list (proud mom). He is now a she. Yes, HE is now a SHE and HER name is Olivia. If I had my choice HE would have stayed a HE, but I guess SHE is happy now. Oh--and she lives in Germany.

Melissa passed away on 12-16-2022. Devastated doesn't begin to cover it. 

crossroads in my life

I have come to a point in my life where I really don't want to do the job anymore. I want to work, just not at what I'm doing right now. I go to work Monday through Friday and I do the same old thing every Monday through Friday. When I get done doing that same old thing, I get to do it all over again. I guess everyone goes through this and some how manage to get through it. Maybe they get through it because they have other interests in their life. I really don't. I have interests, but I don't act upon them. I love taking pictures. I always have. I enjoy writing from time to time. When I become very passionate about a certain subject, I immediately get on here and blog about it. I guess that's what I'm doing now. It's Sunday and all I can think about is how I have to go back into work tomorrow. The thought is a dreadful one. Please don't misunderstand me. I appreciate the job. With the economy being as bad as it is and unemployment being as high as it is (10 or 11 percent), I know there are a lot of people that would be more than happy to have what I have. So I do know how blessed I am. That is what gets me through. It's just that there is so much I want to do with this life and I don't feel like I'm doing anything with it. Each day I go in to work wondering if they are going to tell me it's my last day. Since January they laid off half of the crew. The lastest lay off I felt they really didn't have to lay off. There is plenty of work to do. I guess they really just didn't want her there. She did complain quite a bit about stuff so I guess they just want quiet obedient workers who do what they're told without complaining. The bad thing is, a very small part of me was disappointed that it wasn't me. That's how bad I feel about this job right now. I don't really want to lose the money I make on this job. I just wish I was doing something different. I would love to travel to different places to take pictures. My husband and I just got back from Cumberland Falls. We took so many pictures of the huge falls (with all the rain, it was roaring), and the foilage. I had such a great time doing it. I could see doing that for a living, but I don't know if there is a demand for such a thing. Maybe I could do it as a hobby, but I really would like to make a profit ya know? I keep telling my kids that whatever they choose to do in life, make sure it's what they love. There is nothing worse than going to a job that you hate day in and day out. Especially one that doesn't appreciate your work.....mine doesn't. My team leader just lost her office to a sales person who is coming in. The boss told her that he doesn't see an office as a perk to a position. He told her if a janitor came in making all kinds of noise, they would get an office so they wouldn't disturb anyone. Yeah, I see the appreciation for the employees don't you? So now she gets to share an office with another team leader who yacks all day with someone from her crew. It's very noisy with the phones and the talking, so yeah, she's not going to like it. I'm on the other side of the room and I have my headphones on so I don't have to hear all the noise. If I were her, I would have asked for a cubicle. At least she wouldn't have to share that with anyone.

Maybe it's a mid life crisis I'm going through. I'm 46 years old and I'm always reading in the paper about people my age dying. Maybe that's why I'm going through this. I want to live my life to the fullest and I want to leave my mark. I want people to see something I did long after I'm gone and get a smile from it. I want to make them feel better, maybe just for a little bit. I'm tired of doing the same old thing. I guess I'm at the crossroads in my life where I have to make some choices. I'm not going to quit my job. Maybe I can still do a little traveling and take some pictures. My daughter and I are going to work on her senior pictures. That will definitely help me a lot. Of course the pictures I take will be awesome because my daughter is very pretty. No...Im not prejudice one bit. Ha-ha.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say for now....Venting time is over.